The continuing story of Mary and I. The brutality and dehumanization in the pornography industry #13

Mary’s mood and disposition improving as she responded to the care and nutrition suddenly became animated as if a switch had been thrown. Sitting up in bed, a torrent of emotion rushing from her soul, a titanic wave enveloped us.The levee restraining the tide of grief had broken within her soul. Mary’s face twisting, contorting, lips trembling in recollection, began crying, explaining in horrific detail, the repugnant and loathsome truths of performing in pornographic film  (descriptions and admissions one wont read or hear in any industry interviews or trade magazine). Her shame, guilt, utter self- loathing, feelings of worthlessness, the fear and brutality of the self degrading acts, as well as the methods of control used by producers of pornography gnawing her conscience and inflicting damage to her psych like a time delay fuse, exploding in unwanted recollections. “The producers would give us booze, plates of coke or meth everyday. It was the only way I could do the scene, to get numb. I feel like an animal. I put Vicks Vaper Rub swabs in my nose to block the smell of sex and body odor when working. Early on in my career, that creep JP, made me say I enjoy the business or I would get beat and my contract revoked. He got me in the business before I turned 18. They got me hooked on pills, coke and booze. They have doctors that write us scripts to keep us high,” Mary explained sobbing. The only way I could console her was to brush her hair and stroke her forehead. Mary would barricade herself in -doors, consuming massive quantities of alcohol and Valium. The room is entirely blacked out except for candles for light as she recounts the past, her hand shakes as she downs glass after glass of wine. I notice her hand steadies after several minutes as the booze takes effect. Yet the  the look of sheer terror does not vacate, her eyes bulge and her mouth twists in a mask of excruciating pain. Alternately whispering, screaming or speaking in a passive tone, weaving a forlorn recollection of brutal beatings, several kidnappings and the death of her friend, a contemporary Savanah.

Feeling  important for the first time in a very long while Mary and I sifted through our pasts, drifting, dreaming, wrapped in our unlike yet like worlds of hurt, shame and guilt.  Somebody needed me and not just anybody, Mary Smith the woman I had so pined to meet! Looking through my US Army awards and commendations, Mary exclaims, “You, are a hero!”  Dumbstruck I stare at her blankly, the winter afternoon sunlight causes me to blink and squint. Kissing  me lightly on the lips, saying “Thank you!”  Inhaling  her sweet sticky perfume,the psychoactive pheromones crackle about excitedly in my brain.   Nobody, not my mother, brother ,and/or friends has said this to me, ever.  Defiantly saying, “Actually I threw those medals over the fence at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.”  I scowled.  ”Where? Why ?” Mary answers rapid fire with a curious look.  ” You know, The White House, I did it  in disgust and protest at the governments policies and in particular the lack of  treatment and respect for Veterans.”  Humbled, grateful and appreciative, weeping in her presence yet not really knowing why, I wipe my tears and write her a makeshift awards letter and pin an old  US. Army brass label insignia on her coat in my own award ceremony. “You are a hero too!” I quietly whisper in her ear.

I felt powerful, strong and whole. I am a rescuer, I am saving her! Yet I had no idea, yes me the lifeguard,the soldier, that I was being pulled under in my own mood disorder diagnosis and psychological damage. Read on, read on,friend you will arrive in due time, due time. Just as I have.

Quite suddenly and unexpectedly  her mood and tone of voice change. Calmly whispering, “Ssshhh. Be quite. Did you take all the batteries out of the phones? You know they can hear us! I was hired by the NSA and had sex with President Bush! You know that shit in Korea that is going down? I had to perform a sex show with an American soldier for Kim Ill Jung to prevent a war. You don’t have any idea what I’ve done for this country! My web site is really a portal for CIA and FBI agents, you know for spooks and Mr. Brown.”  Palpable is her fear, so great she shudders and has the sweats in a full blown PTSD episode. I too am in terror, her infamy and political connections are well established as  anything is plausible and desperately believing everything she says, I give her a loaded 38 cal pistol when I leave the apartment thinking mob thugs or FBI agents will locate her. Moreover I am fearful she would OD and keep a vigilant watch, monitoring her vitals constantly as she would rapidly fluctuating from a withdrawn/ passive mood to animated and aggressive behavior.The behavior is classic bi-polar disorder as well as display of psychosis and other mental pathology yet at this time I had no professional training in identifying these disorders.I am operating on basic First Responder training, and God’s grace, flying by the seat of my pants at 40,000 feet with no parachute if you will.

to be continued…

The continuing story of Mary and I The brutality and dehumanization in the pornography industry #12

Hey check it out compadre, I must come clean, I failed to fully help her and enabled Mary as well as myself in our addictions. Yeah homboyz and homegirlz, you guessed it, I too am an addict and alcoholic suffering from some of the very disorders, afflictions of the mind and soul. I will take you briefly into winter of 2012 two years in the future. I have been in addiction recovery for a year and a half and am actually studying addiction therapy.Therefore I am able to recognize much of what was once a mystery to me, about myself as well as Mary.

Pornography, society’s rotten apple of perversion & lies, a cesspool of brutality and abuse,  an absurd and gigantic pink pachyderm  sitting in the world’s living room all rolled into one. Shiny and oh so enticing on the outside, purulent, fetid and rank on the inside. Let us not admit to the drug addiction, the degradation, brutality of women, men & children and destruction of humanity rife within and outside of this trade. I know, I know, I’ve heard and ine past subscribed to the same tired and misaligned legal/philosophical arguments such as   “Pornography doesn’t harm anyone.” and” “They are consenting adults.” Finally, of course  the  good’ol  ”First Amendment rights, man.” safety valve.  First of all, lets get real, right from the gate.  9/10ths of the perverts and profiteers watching and creating pornography never even read  the 1st or other 26 amendments to the U.S Constitution and furthermore all of these  First Amendment arguments are mitigated bullshit.There is no free speech going on in pornography and in actuality pornography enslaves and inhibits civil rights of citizens, the performers, yes, performers. Let us  call them what they are nothing more than a trained animal, performing brutal acts on one another and any semblance of acting is portrayed in the denial/masking of pain,shame debilitation, and abuse carried out in the industry. Secondly let us consider the harm done to  those that view pornography, duped into a a neurosynaptic falsehood of a virtually unbreakable addictive nature, pornography; re-constructing the viewer’s psychology into a twisted,  malaligned, misogynist perversion of objectification.  Oh yeah, doubting and virulent supporter of “My right to smut.” this is about Civil Rights just not your twisted idea of freedom. Read on, read on, the curious,the doubters all ya’all one and all. I will prove without a shadow of a doubt the harm pornography contributes to society ( you must imagine W.C fields voice. google WC Fields, kid. Shhessh.)  the evidence is all right before your eyes, just open your mind like those peepers, keep your hands off your penis and on the steering wheel, man. Now to coin several cliches in a sentence sit tight, as we haul ass back to the future.

Mary in a panic, adamant somebody is going to kill her hysterically simultaneously shouting and whispering   “They came into my place beat me up and threw me down the stairs. I’m afraid they are coming back,” sobs over the telephone. Replying, ”Who beat you up?” Thinking a john or thug has done this. Crying , “Government agents , the black suits.” The phone line cutting of suddenly. Frantically calling on several Skype and telephone numbers, I get through speaking briefly, she is resolute in her desire to get out of her residence.  I am frightened out of my mind as well, afraid for not only her safety, but her daughter’s and my own. I arranged for a flight to Los Angeles. All communication lines mysteriously become unavailable. Knowing just what she has told me in the past and her infamy anything is plausible at this juncture.

Arriving in L.A with a young golden pure bred Cocker Spanial stuffed into a to small  Versace carrying case, she looked spent yet relieved to be with me.  Immediately demanding I  black out the windows, I begin placing   moving  blankets over the windows.Whispering, “Shhhhhshhh, take all the batteries out of the cell phones.They will know I’m here.” falling onto the bed with a sigh, she succumbs quickly to sleep .  Sleeping practically the entire day, waking intermittently trembling,  asking me to turn up the heat,Mary is beside herself with worry. “Turn up the heat,” she asks softly from under several blankets.  I keep the apartment super heated. Rarely eating and drinking two big bottles of wine a day,  I am incredulous at her alcoholism yet as I am also an alcoholic and addict in denial, I naturally give no thought to my disease. Ironically  my focus on her kept me clean. Spoon feeding Mary chicken noodle soup, thinking  how she reminds me of a combat veteran with the mile long stare, I absentmindedly stir the salty broth.   Plip! plop!I notice circular rings in the cheap Japanese Chawan bowl. “I am the salt of the earth.” I reflect.

to be continued…http://gerilewis.wordpress.com/2012/11/29/the-continuing-story-of-mary-and-i-the-brutality-and-dehumanization-in-the-pornography-industry-13/

Mary and I the dehumanization and brutality of the pornography industry part #10

Mary would play games with my emotions. I had no idea at the time this is her way of controlling and manipulating others or the relationship. I learned much later that behaviour is learned and repeated. She has been abused, controlled and manipulated so Mary abuses, controls and manipulates others.

Mary had not called me in a week. She had become furious at me over a saying, “You don’t know everything.”as we discussed the pineal gland, Chakras, and telekinesis. She also said, “I have important church VIP coming into town. I have to show them around.” I suspected prostitution but I wanted to believe in her so much. I know she really wanted to quit prostitution and pornography. Cursing and screaming epithets, I knew these were really directed at herself as much as me. I drove through the desert, home alone. Again.

I was beside myself with worry at the same time angry for allowing myself to be treated so badly.

The bright January California sunshine, cheerful in all it’s celebrated fame beats down on L.A, on Hollywood, on me, the sweat, beading on my brow. Marching up Cahuenga Ave, I take Hollywood in stride, after all I’ve spent much of my life on these streets, clubs, homes, apartments and alleys. Yet a sadness  I never felt prior to knowing Mary, settles in my heart. I begin to sob as a tour bus full of pasty mid-west gawkers, Gucci outfitted Chinese nuevo riche, and tight -jean Euros rounds the corner of Hollywood Blvd. The Hollywood Hills home’s windows stare back at me, reflecting the horror stories Mary so painstakingly confided in me. The sadness blankets me, it is suffocating. I have to talk myself out of living her pain thinking, “I have my own past in Hollywood, in L.A. Why does her past life affect me so? I had nothing to do with her decisions. I’ve lost friends and seen almost the same thing happen to others as a teen.”
Blowing my nose in my sleeve just like a snot nosed kid, I compose myself, trudging the remaining 100 yards or so to my destination, a small chic boutique. Not having seen her for a decade I walk clean past her, oblivious. Crysta, left foot in front of the right, crossed at the ankles, standing in the doorway, grabbing my shoulder says, “You’re a mess.” Yeah, well you don’t look so hot either.” I reply.  “I heard you are dating Mary that porn star.” She says with raised eybrows. I look at her. “Ohhhh You love her.” Crysta says matter of factly. I have not seen Crysta in 10 years but she knew immediately. Just one damn glance. “Yeah.” I say looking her in the eye, holding her gaze and quickly looking away, at the damn Hollywood Hills. Crysta and I go way back. 22 years exactly. We have a secrete, I can’t tell you neither can Crysta. Pornography, strip clubs, prostitution, and the assorted evils that accompany this miserable slice of life’s pie has been much more a part of me than I care to admit. Until http://gerilewis.wordpress.com/2012/02/08/mary-and-i-the-dehumanization-and-brutality-of-the-pornography-industry-part-9/