Why do I continue to write about “Mary”, I ask myself. For certain it is painful and I often cry while writing this blog. I honestly feel I owe it to Mary to tell what she is afraid and ashamed to do herself, to let you know of her pain and guilt, the destruction to her humanity and soul. I wish this to never happen to another woman ever and if this sad little blog raises some sort of awareness, than my experience has not gone for not. Many of you have read my previous blog concerning my shocking and sobering experience with an infamous pornography “entertainer”. http://gerilewis.wordpress.com/2011/07/01/pornography-the-ugly-truth/
I cannot reveal her name as of date and don’t know if I ever will be able to do so. Several of you have asked for an update as to the plight of “Mary”. I am saddened to report that Mary has continued in a downward spiral of delusional, irrational at times psychotic and dangerous behavior. Mary began to physically and verbally abuse me. Suffering from PTSD symptoms, I was unable to hold simple conversations without Mary loosing all self-control, a mere word such as overrated would send Mary into a tiraid of verbal abuse that escalated into physical attacks on me.
Mary’s self esteem is very very low or non-existent, often when I would bring up the subject of trying to get vocational rehabilitation or attending school Mary would become angry or desperate, saying the only thing she knows how to do is pornography and prostitution. Often pornography producers and affiliated predatory industry vultures contact her to do abusive choking and SxM films. I point out that this type of “work” is killing her soul , body and spirit.
She is in denial of admitting to her shame and guilt at being in pornography and the embarrassment it brings her family but every so often she would breakdown and admit to the damage it has done her and her family. She would often have flashbacks of being raped and/or making pornography. This would send her first into sweats and then she would suddenly become withdrawn and reclusive, locking herself in a separate bedroom for hours or days. Mary tries to assuage her pain of being brutalized, her conscience (involvement as a one time producer in pornography and exploiting other women for profit, her family’s embarrassment especially her teenage daughter’s growing realization of her mother’s business) by supporting charity groups and anti sexual slavery/abuse organizations. I try to get Mary into a rehabilitation clinic, she considers but ultimately refuses.
Mary’s usage of Valium and alcohol has also progressed to the extent that she cannot go through a day without either.She drinks from the moment she wakes untill she passes out from the combination of Valium and alcohol. Mary has resumed performing sex shows and prostitution on the internet . Mary is in a panic as her once over the top popularity is declining rapidly and she has had to reduce her fee to compete with the younger and more popular woman involved in the sex trade. She is considering returning to making dvds despite the danger of rampant STD and HIV (she was rumored to have contracted HIV but denied the accusation on line) to in the pornography industry, return to stripping or both. Mary detest stripping as the customers touch her and suffering from agrophobia she has to leave the home which compounds the agrophobia disorder. Mary is also very paranoid for good reason as she has suffered from brutal attacks, rapes, druggings, and preditory stalkers. Mary has a permit to carry a concealed weapon in several states and is very proficient in marksmanship, having completed several weapons courses before the onset of her diseases.
to be continued……