The hand of God.
I rode high in the saddle of the stead known the world over as arrogance and pride. Several decades of worldly living had my ego in a stratospheric condition of self yet in retrospect the hollowness of one night stands, prostitutes, substance abuse, and a mistakenly impression of an unending cash flow, and fan adulation had me wanting and seeking more.
I did not appreciate the women, many of them very decent and caring (well some were just girls back in the 90s) the fans or the good money nor the home in Venice CA or all the many other luxury items afforded my self-indulgent and inconsiderate self. The entire ride was about ME and MY talent. Well I reckon God had his hand on the reigns loosely for sure but every now and again He would tighten them up, the bit cutting and drawing blood. Stints in jail foreign and domestic, being stabbed and shot, losing my home and jobs, a vanished fan & income base, and the most debilitating of all the betrayal of a loved one. My heart was so hardened none of the damage and pain caused me to question myself or seek relief. Except for the very last of the circumstances and situations that was so painful and I had no answer, reason nor rhyme as to my dilema and failure(s). I was completely broken, financially, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
My inability to understand, acknowledge or obey God resulted in all of the above. It ain’t been easy homie. However look man, I’ve got to admit I ran a crooked game working with crooked people. I exploited women, producing and promoting bikini contests (that were little more than rigged striper shows) and taking advantage of the other situations being a rock and roller on tour. I understand it takes two to tango, yet having now arrived at the understanding of why (in general women allow themselves to be exploited) I know my part in all of it was wrong. I going to spare you the sordid Drunk-O-Log except for the relationship with an infamous pornography performer and I will make that brief as well. God allowed me to experience the horror, mental illness, substance abuse, and being exploited by the exploited to bring me to His grace.
It aint been easy and for certain I’ve several set backs yet I am still keeping on yet this time in His will. Who is He you ask? Jesus, brother and sister. Jesus the Savior!
You see the Lord has blessed me with intellect as well as a heart for Him and humanity, and I am still physically strong which I am very grateful.
I got busy studying and learning about Jesus and Jehovah. I arrived through no condition of my own to accept and understand His ministry and plan. It is an ongoing process, for sure just as the dross is cooked away in gold and silver refinement. I am still struggling with aspects of my life, employment, parenting, sobriety (4 years!) yet the faith in and knowledge of Christ Jesus gets me through.There are times I get down on my knees, down on my face actually and cry out to God, help me, I can’t go on.
Yeah, there are moments just like that.On my knees or face crying to Him to help me.
In closing I want to share with you my weakness and how I want to give up on a very special someone, sometimes; when all seems futile. Yet God allows me the hope (in my weakness and longing) that if it is to be He will make it happen. Sometimes it is just a little tug on the heartstrings or encouragement through scripture or pastoral blistering from the pulpit. Sometimes amazingly, it is an unexpected email or call from her parents.
In wishing you a happy new year, I will keep ya posted as to how goes it, praying for ya’ll to prosper and be abundant in 2015!
Thank you for reading me lil ol blog!
Praise the Lord!