Mary and I Continued. Pornography the ugly truth.
It was such a curious and implausible situation. A fantasy come true. The pornography performer (star) I had written a song about, the woman I had fantasized about I am in a relationship with her. Attempting to “rescue” her from her life in the sex industry.
The aura of infatuation quickly faded into the darkness of very apparent mental illness. Hers and my own. The narcotics, alcohol, benzodiazepines and other substances she uses to anesthetize herself is overwhelmingly and sadly the only way she can cope with her self loathing.
Arriving at her home in Las Vegas from L.A the second weekend in a row, for the first time I experienced her inability to express and feel real affection. (Prior to this incident she had masked this character defect/ disorder very well kissing me often and holding my hand.) This behavior was to amplify quickly in time as she was able to mask her illness for only a week. Arriving at her place, I greeted her with a hug and she could barley muster a obligatory patting me on my back. Curiously I made a mental note of it, thinking that perhaps she did not feel very affectionate. Much later in my recovery and professional education I was to learn she has been so traumatized and brutalized by the sex industry she is incapable of affection, actually.
The sexual activity she made her living and infamy, she loathes as much as her self. Her coping mechanism(s) are what is known as disassociation in psychology and substance abuse (using enough combination of drugs to blunt any conscience thought.)
At the time I did not understand any of the technical terminology. I was just living it.
Looking into her eyes, while in the throes of intercourse it was as if she were not consciously aware or present or a altogether separate personality. It is a disturbing and frightening look to behold, the vapid vacuum of any joy or pleasure. A nasty formula of words and phrases flowed from her mouth a script she had long memorized to earn her pay. This realization was very sobering.
Just as sobering was the fact all my (mis) conceptions and ethical/ moral opinions framework and foundation began to crumble as well as my mental state.